He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
