Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Randomize
