I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
