Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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