oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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