When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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