i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
