Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
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