Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
