Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
