we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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