I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
