The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
