Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
