and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
