The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
