The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Randomize
