i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I had to cum in my sink.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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