My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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