then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.