i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
