I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
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