Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
