you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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