but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
