I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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