dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
