apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
It's official drugs can't kill me
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
