I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
