I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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