this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Randomize
