My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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