Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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