oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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