i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
