It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize