ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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