When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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