oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
