I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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