Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
