I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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