it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
