Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
