8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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