I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
