when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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