I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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