Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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