I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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