I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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