she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Randomize
