Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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