Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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