and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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