After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Randomize
