I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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